Crises of Faith

I used to scoff, internally, at the idea of a crisis of faith where a person just can’t hear God. See, I’ve been hearing God from the moment I became a christian. God spoke, I heard, I recognised him, I followed. I’ve been following (with a few detours) ever since.

I thought that if a person truly opened themselves up to hearing God, he was bound to speak to them. And I think I do still believe exactly that. Except – sometimes maybe the path to hearing, or the hearing itself, is more complicated than I expected.

This crisis of faith – let me just clarify, I don’t mean ‘loss of faith’, I mean a crisis connected to my faith – started when I had my first miscarriage, I think. I talked about it a bit in an earlier post. I knew God was with me. I felt his love and comfort all through the bleeding and the pain and the etcetra. But it shook me up and forced me to take a good hard look at some of the differences between what I believe in my head, and what I believe in my heart. See, I’ve maintained for years that God doesn’t protect us from the physical and emotional evils in this world. That following a path of love doesn’t instantly make everything warm and fuzzy and happy. That God’s interest is in our capacity to love, and increasing that as much as possible.

I still believe that – in my head. But I guess I’ve always had this idea that I could rely on God for certain things. And I guess deep-down, I DID believe that God would protect me from the bad stuff if I just prayed the right prayers. Because now I’m a little adrift. I see other believers praying for healing for migraines, or back pain, and I’m touched with scepticism. Not in God – but in their prayers and the use of those prayers, I guess.

It’s hard to pray when you’re not sure what will be given and what won’t. It’s hard to listen to God when you’re not sure you want to hear what he has to say. And it’s hard to be interested in loving when you’re fighting just to cope with life itself.

WARNING: If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, you might want to avoid this next bit, OK? It could be a trigger.

For those who’re now worried about me after that warning, don’t be. I’m not suicidal, K? I know it’s easy to get stressed when someone on the internet starts sounding a bit ‘funny’. I just wanted to express some stuff, and I don’t want anyone finding their life harder just because of what I’ve written.

That said… one thing I’ve never been confused or lost faith in is heaven. Even before I became a christian, I knew about heaven and longed for it. Think about it – no pain, no tears, no sorrow… and no stupid bodies incapable of doing what we want to do. Unfairness stamped out. Beauty without ugliness. Life without death. Love without indifference and hatred. Joy without tiredness and listlessness. That’s what keeps me going, I guess. Knowing that there’s a point, even if I can’t quite see it right now.

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4 Responses

  1. My goodness! You’ve just put into words for me something I always felt, but wouldn’t have explained very well myself.

    I’m quite sceptical too. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that God can heal, but I also believe that often the answer is ‘no’ because there is a purpose to be fulfilled and that often the motivation behind the prayer is that ‘christians are meant to have everything easy and good’ type of thing. Sigh.

  2. Hugs to you … I agree too with what you both say … while I might pray for healing too or that something or other doesn’t turn out bad – I often wonder if it meant to happen so I can grow or a purpose fulfilled as Bettina said.
    Like when my little baby girl died and I knew something was wrong … no matter how much I prayed I knew !

  3. Bettina – glad I could be of service 😉 I can’t help wanting to bite people who explain that you just need to be right before God and praying correctly and everything will go swimmingly… grrr.

    Trish – *huggggggg* I’m looking forward to finding out what good things God can bring out of something like a baby dying…. I suspect it’ll only be after I’m dead that I’ll figure that one out.

  4. […] Faith Crisis – Update I thought it was about time to give an update on this (see the original post here). […]

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