Faith Crisis – Update

I thought it was about time to give an update on this (see the original post here).

I finally came to a realisation.

See, I have what’s known in certain pentecostal circles as a ‘gift of prophecy’. Meaning, sometimes God talks directly through me. Or sends me dreams about the future. Think Ezekiel and Isaiah. Except so far, a little less ‘out there’.

But that sort of gift can be bloody scary at times. Going up to a complete stranger to tell them something about their life, and what they need to do, or what God is planning to do? Errr, mad cat-lady alert? At least I don’t smell. Well, not too bad, anyway. And saying to hubby, “God wants us to live here”? Dear God, why me?

Let’s just deal with the ‘why me’ question for a second. Because this is an integral part of who I am, and without it, I’d be living a half-life. Because I love having that knowledge just appear, and seeing someone’s face when I say just what they were needing to hear. Well, sometimes. Sometimes ‘what they were needing to hear’ isn’t anywhere near ‘what they wanted to hear’.

Anyhow, my point is, it’s a somewhat mystical gift that I have. And somewhere in my desire to rationalise rather than emotionalise (sensibly, too), I damped it down. I still hear it now and then, but I often don’t speak. Why? Because it’s not rational. And, to be honest, because I tend to be just a little embarrassed to throw ‘God told me to’ at my ever-cynical, ever-rational husband. Because he wants proof. And what proof do I have except ‘the voice in my head said so’?

GAH.

Note: I’m not blaming hubby, here. I think I simply went a little too far in my desire to compromise and live happily in marriage. It’s important to be open to changing in positive ways. The blunder I’ve made, though, involves a negative change that seemed positive – once.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it’s occurred to me that THAT is a primary issue in my crisis of faith – how the hell am I supposed to hear God if I’ve deliberately put on the earmuffs? And how the hell can I talk unreservedly to him when I’ve gagged myself?

DUH.

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6 Responses

  1. Hi Naomi,
    I have to say first that I admire your honesty and candor in this. I believe there are people who God speaks to, I also believe that sometimes God speaks to everyone. But most of us are too afraid to hear it. I have no wise words to offer – I would just say, go with your heart – it is the mostly godly thing God gave us.

    Annie

  2. Ooooo this is a tricky one.

    I have somewhat of the same ‘gift’ but I don’t think it’s God talking to me. I would really like it (and only if you’re comfortable) to expand on God speaking to you. How do you know it’s God?

  3. how the hell am I supposed to hear God if I’ve deliberately put on the earmuffs? And how the hell can I talk unreservedly to him when I’ve gagged myself?

    Love it. Yep, I too compromise things so people do not view me as a mad cat lady.

  4. I’ve had the mantle of mad cat lady (just within the family) for so long I’d feel nekkid without it lol.
    Try it on Naomi, you might find it a comfy fit 😉

  5. Nothing wrong with being thought of as a mad cat lady, as long as YOU know the truth!

  6. Annie – thanks, luv.

    Anja – the best I can do is… at the times that I can say with certainty, “That was God”, the ‘message’ comes through with a definite sense of intelligence and love far beyond mine. And… erm… that’s pretty much my definition of God. Make some sort of sense?

    WS – Yup. Silly, but understandable, eh?

    Jayne – *snicker*

    Rhubarb – good point 🙂

    All – thanks for the thoughtful, gentle comments. Talking about religion can get fraught with conflict, and I love the fact that you’ve all been so nice on a controversial topic.

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