Self-Absorption

I’ve been fairly self-absorbed lately. And finally, I’ve gotten the chance to set down exactly why.

Warning: Possible triggers

First – I was getting tired ridiculously easily for weeks. Couldn’t pinpoint anything I was doing or not doing to cause it. Then, suddenly, it went away. Which almost worried me more than the tiredness itself.

Second – about 10 days ago, I peed on a pregnancy test. The pee moved right up that stick and flashed an immediate dark positive. HOLY CRAP! Just to recap for newcomers and those whose lives don’t revolve around me – I have a heart condition that causes me to get more tired, more easily, than most. I know 80 year olds with more energy than me. Add to the heart condition the fact that one of my lungs isn’t connected to my heart (no oxygenated blood delivered from it). And we re-discovered all that when I was pregnant with Bubba Boy. I had been told about existing and possible issues by my parents, but a stupid and idiotic doctor told me it was all crap, and I was daft enough to believe him (if you’ve noticed I have a slight anti-believe-the-GP bias, now you have an idea why). So anyway, during the pregnancy with Bubba Boy I damn near carked it from sheer exhaustion. Then I had heart surgery. So maybe you can see why I said ‘Holy crap!’ upon finding out I was pregnant instead of ‘Wow, how fantastic!’ Well, that and the fact that I’ve NEVER before gotten a dark, immediate positive on a pregnancy test. The things hate me. I worked out that I was probably around 10 weeks pg.

Third – spent some time talking to hubby, and thinking about how to shuffle our lives around to work in another bubba. Called parents to talk it over a bit.

Fourth – got sick. Nasty. Fever, blocked sinuses, sore throat, painful kidneys and back.

Fifth – which sparked off a miscarriage. Or was caused by it. I don’t know, and I’m not sure that I care which way round it was.

Sixth – spent a few days in bed shaking with fever, bleeding like a stuck pig, wracked with cramps and feeling very, very sorry for myself.

I think that counts as a pretty shit week.

On the bright side (yes, there is one!), I’m feeling a lot better. Cramps are gone, fever’s gone, sinuses are still here and actually draining properly, and I can hear properly again. I was even feeling mildly bouncy this afternoon. Emotional trauma – so far – fairly mild. And no, I don’t think I’m in denial. But I’ve learnt to just let go and feel whatever I feel without the ‘shoulds’ interfering, when it comes to miscarriages – each one is hugely different in the emotional shockwave which hits. And that’s OK, dammit.

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9 Responses

  1. Huge hugs Naomi.

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

    I have missed you and your writings.

    Look after yourself. Yeah, ‘shoulds’ are a pain in the brain.

    Love and prayers.

  2. By the way, I don’t think taking time to look after you is being self absorbed.

  3. *hugs*

    Hell, that’s a whole lot of suckage. I’m glad you’re feeling better, health wise.

    *more hugs*

  4. I’m sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I’m glad you’re feeling better – it’s good that you are able to look at the positive side of things. *hugs*

  5. I am so sorry for your loss xxx ((hug))

  6. What Robin would say to Batman!

    Wow… take out a pen right now, write the following words:

    “Note to self – Be kind to me me, it’s been a hard few weeks and frankly – I’m shagged! Give us a break, fetch us another cuppa with some cake and tell the other half he’s to take it a little easy too! Love – Me!”

    Put it in an envelope, and leave it on the table sometime soon – let yourself stumlbe over it – completely ‘by accident’ of course – read it and pat yourself (and hubby) on the back!

    I’m guessing you’ve (all) earned it!

    It was a worry we had when the XO became pregnant N… thankfully it never eventuated – but man – I sweated off on it the whole way through – twice! I hate to think on what was going on in the XO’s head… too damn scary!

    Cheers for adding me on your blogroll mate… muxhly appreciated!

    😉

  7. Sweetheart I’m so sorry. There are no ‘shoulds’ for this kinda thing – and you should have been self-absorbed through all of that!

    *hug* Let me know if you need anything.

  8. Yep, crap week, and crap happenings. So sorry, naomi. Words are trite, but thoughts are there in the absence of.

  9. Thanks, gorgeous ones *hugs*

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